I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
