You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
