I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
