I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
