LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
