i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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