My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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