i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
