i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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