you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
