The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
