he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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