So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
