who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
3pm strippers are depressing
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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