I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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