whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
