I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.