I think im going to throw up on grandma
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
