the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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