Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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