I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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