3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
