i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
