i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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