I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
