I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
