It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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