If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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