I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
