you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
