Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Text me some of your sweat
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize