rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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