Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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