Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
