And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
