I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I love you. Go after that dick
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
