she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
