Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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