So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
