His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
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