Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
