I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
never play flip cup with pint glasses
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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