Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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