Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
