Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
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while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.