At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
