I need to stop coming to work sober
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
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I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
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I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.