im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
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We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
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Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty