last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
