Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
