I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
