you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
