I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
