Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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