So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
