I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
