So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
