Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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