Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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