My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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