I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
