I heard we made out
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
