I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
