I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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