I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.