I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
